"Thank you for purchasing Periphery's self-titled debut long play record, Periphery! On this album, you'll hear heavy metal, a genre of music from the future! Be dazzled by distortion, be bombarded by bass beats, and Djitter-bug to Djent! We're sure you'll enjoy such finger-popping tunes as Light, Insomnia, and my own personal favorite, Ragtime Dandies! These songs and more are played by our talented troop of traveling troubadours, featuring the likes of Misha "The Electric Light Bulb" Mansoor, who was voted the twenty-third most influential person in Brown Magazine and can be found on the cover of this month's Mocha Emporium! And look, up in the sky, it's a bird, it's a plane, it's Trent Reznor. No, it's Jake Bowen and his seven strings of wonder! Rounding off the trio of strings-men is Alex Bois, the man with the arms of steel and the arse of a skunk!
On drums is Matt Halpern, the only man who can break three cymbals with one swing of the stick! Our lead singer will be Spencer Sotelo, whose voice goes up like an angel and down like a wounded ox. Last but not least is Tom Murphy; providing the rumble from down under, and is the only member of Periphery decent enough for the institution of marriage. Experience heavy metal at it's finest! Periphery! Love that shit!"
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