I didn't know I was that way

上大学时，英文老师要求每周上交一段英文音频材料的听写稿当做作业。不能查阅资料，用反复听的方式把这段话全部写下来，然后老师根据看你的听写稿来评分。当时老师还算开明，没有限制音频内容。我就在Apple Store里找自己感兴趣的podcast作为听写材料，有一次我无意中听了一个美国乡村歌手Mary Gauthie的访谈节目。 节目主持人首先和她寒暄了几句，几段对话，顺带介绍了Mary Gauthie的生平： -Given up at birth by a mother she never knew, Gauthier was adopted by an Italian Catholic couple in Thibodaux, Louisiana. - 孤儿出身，从未见过父母，被路易斯安娜州的一对意大利天主教夫妇领养。 -At age 15, she ran away from home, and spent the next several years in drug rehabilitation, halfway houses, and living with friends; she spent her 18th birthday in a jail cell. - 15岁离家出走，因为吸毒在少年犯改造中心待了接下来的几年。 在牢狱度过18岁生日。 -spurred on by friends, she enrolled at Louisiana State University as a philosophy major, dropping out during her senior year. - 出狱后在朋友资助下上了路易斯安那州立大学，哲学专业，大四辍学。 -opened a Cajun restaurant in Boston's Back Bay neighborhood, Dixie Kitchen. Mary ran, and cooked at, the restaurant for eleven years. - 后来开了家餐厅Dixie Kitchen，亲自管理，烹饪，连续11年。 - arrested for drunk driving opening night, July 12, 1990, and has been sober ever since. After achieving sobriety, she was driven to dedicate herself full-time to songwriting, and embarked upon a career in music. -1990年因酒驾再度被捕，后来清醒地意识到自己问题并开始戒酒。成功戒酒之后，便全身心投入歌曲写作，开始了她的音乐职业生涯。 - wrote her first song at age 35. - 写第一首歌时已经是35岁了。 Mary不同寻常的人生经历一下掉足了我的胃口。她和主持人的对话，非但没有怪戾之气，竟然格外温暖亲切。随后她在现场，弹着吉他，演唱了未正式发表的一首歌<That way>, 后来这首歌正式发表在专辑＜The founding＞里改名为<Sweet words>。 歌词如下： I don't trust my eyes any more They don't know what they're looking for Thinking back on what they didn't see I think my eyes were blinding me Some people never really love They don't mean the sweet words they say Other people can't see the truth I didn't know I was that way I didn't know I was that way I don't trust my ears anymore They don't know what to listen for They don't hear the spirit for the sound My ears only serve to bring me down Some people never really love They don't mean the sweet words they say Other people can't hear the truth I didn't know I was that way I didn't know I was that way I don't' trust my heart anymore It's busted open, bruised, beat up and sore Even while it limping around in pain All I wants to do is reach for you again 这首歌深深地打动了我，当时的我正坐在大学图书馆里一个偏僻无人角落的阅读区域，闭著眼睛聆听，仿佛就能看到一个失意的中年女人，追悔着过去。真诚如她那句歌词 I didn't know I was that way：经过很多年不羁和坎坷的人生之后，她才懂得，原来她的眼睛，耳朵，还有心，都曾经在欺骗她。那些她曾经所看，所听，所为之悸动的，其实不过是心理和生理上的自然反应，并不是灵魂深处最真实的自我。 ＂很多人没有真正爱过，他们并没有把说过的甜言蜜语当真。我现在才知道我以前竟然亦是如此。＂